THIS POST WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED ON RANDOM MELON READS ON 09 OCT 2018.
You and me.
You pinned me down.
“You make me do this.”
That is what you would say.
“I do this because you are weird.”
But I was just trying to be me.
You could never handle people being different to you.
You believe those that are different deserve to be beaten.
“If you acted differently I would not have to do this.”
“You could just be normal, and do normal things like everyone else.”
You tried to put this on me and blamed me for your actions.
That was your way, it was always because of someone else and never you.
You used me as a conduit for the things you wanted to happen to you.
For once in your pathetic life, fucking step up and take responsibility for what you did.
It was just a game to you, where the winner got to feel a little less worthless.
I hope that when your time finally comes, it is not a quick and painless experience for you.
I really hope you get a taste of what it has been like for me for thirty two years.
I really hope that you suffer and it lasts as long as possible because you do not deserve the peace.
You can hide behind your fake remorse all you want but when it comes down to the truth, you know it.
Do you remember details of those days, of those evenings, those nights, when you needed to get your release, because I do!
Do you ever think about how what you did was not just sibling rivalry but the prolonged abuse of one person from another?
Probably not, because then you would have to face what you are and see yourself in the same light as we all see you.
Except her, because she is where you learned to avoid owning your actions, the way she chooses to ignore and forget what happened to me.
I remember a time when you told me you would kill me, and then you pinned me down again and beat the life out of me.
You have no idea how much I wish you had killed me right there in that moment and released me from the pain I experience every day.
Instead, you broke me and broke my soul so that every day that came after, and every day yet to come is filled with more pain and misery.
But you will not be my end because despite your macho impression that you hide behind, and want others to be fooled by, really, you know you are weak.
I am glad that you are broken even more and I hope your demons never rest on their mission to hurt you because it is everything you deserve, and more.
You know not to look deep inside yourself because you know that what you will find is nothing but a failure as a son, as a brother, and as a father.
Thirty two years of trying to escape it all, never quite getting there, until the one time that I will, but then you will win again and you will not win again.